The entries in this compulsively readable book bridge past and present with topics like getting ghosted, handling haters, and why dog owners rule (sorry, cat people). Along the way you’ll get a glimpse of Edith Wharton’s sex life, dating rituals in Ancient Greece, catfishing in 500 BC, medieval flirting techniques, and squad goals from Catherine the Great.

You’ll learn why losing yourself in a relationship will make you crazy–like Joanna of Castile, who went from accomplished badass to Joanna the Mad after obsessing over a guy known as Philip the Handsome. You’ll discover how Resting Bitch Face has been embraced throughout history (so wear it proudly). And you’ll see why it’s never a good idea to f*ck with powerful women–from pirate queens to diehard suffragettes to Cleo-f*cking-patra.

People in the past were just like us–so learn from life’s losers and emulate the badasses. The Captain shows you how.